I was a gay bud. At least as a youngster that was the nickname given me by my slightly older, and somewhat tomboyish, sister. I was never clear on the specific etymological derivation of the unusual epithet, but the overall gist of its meaning was always antagonistically clear. I remember on one occasion when just the hearing of it prompted me, with an appropriate dramatic flourish, to rip the shimmering, silver and black, mylar poster of Rod Stewart from her bedroom wall. Snap, snap, snap. Now, I know that today, in our sometimes overly sensitized culture, her name-calling might be labeled as bullying. In tomboy’s defense, however, I was a cross-dressing, Barbie coveting, Lucy watching, stammering, bedwetting, stick of a little brother. And although I was fairly adept at hiding my peculiarities from the outside world, we did live under the same roof, so my sister was well aware of how different I was from most other boys. Not to mention, in retrospect and somewhat to her credit, the unique moniker turned out to be undeniably accurate. Cheap kamagra is certainly one of the most effective drugs to treat these problems. cialis uk continue reading now is a medicine that is available in different flavors and you can keep it on the highest level during the whole sexual intercourse. In other buy cialis generic words, sexual needs and their fulfillments make a relationship a success story or a complete failure. ED is defined as the frequent inability to attain and maintain an erection for enough time to have satisfactory overnight viagra online intercourse. That is why; the tadalafil professional cheap has been built and designed to behave as an antagonist to the activities and mechanisms of PDE5 enzyme therefore this is the desired drug that is required to restrict the deformations of penile tissue structures and also acts as a good rejuvenating and energy drink.
So, while secretly living as a gay bud at home, I somehow managed to fly fairly stealthily under the radar through the hormonal hurricane that was junior high school, before landing without major incident in the chain-link and asphalt nest of Grover Cleveland High School. I was James at fifteen, and it was the fall of 1978 in the sun-scorched heart of the San Fernando Valley; ten years after Stonewall, three years after Vietnam, two years after the Bicentennial, and the very same year that the world’s first test tube baby was born in the UK. In addition, it was the year James Franco was born; Harvey Milk was assassinated; China lifted its ban on works by William Shakespeare; Jimmy Carter postponed production of the neutron bomb; California voters said no to a law that would have prohibited gay teachers; and after two papal deaths in just over a month, the Catholic Church elected its first ever Polish Pope.
The world around me was ever changing, but at that age I was mostly unaware of the larger picture; caught up – as I was – in physical and emotional transformations of my own. The bedwetting had stopped, probably because my bladder had finally experienced a growth spurt. For the most part I had stopped raiding my sister’s closets. And, perhaps most importantly, I was preparing to take my driving test – finally a rite of passage that would not require holy water, and one that might actually affect some significant change in my day to day existence. There were also some things that were notably the same. Specifically, I was still skinny and stuttering. Another remaining constant as I started high school was my continuing relationship with a best friend that I had acquired in junior high. Truth: I say BF (best friend) when in reality he was my OF (only friend). As OFs go, however, he was a great one to have: a mischievous, straight, Jewish boy who always had a plan.
One of my favorites was a scheme that OF concocted to rig a promotional drawing at the local shopping center. The plot, as he outlined it, was: to procure a roll of raffle tickets from the nearby stationery store that were the same color as the ones being handed out – one per customer – to mall patrons, rip them appropriately in half, and then for him to distract the woman in charge while I surreptitiously dumped our glut of counterfeit stubs into the fish bowl. In the end, to avoid suspicion, we were forced to enlist a couple of accomplices to help collect the abundance of ill-gotten booty that day. I was undeniably Ethel to his Lucy. So when he suggested that we register for a high school drama class I eventually gave in to the risky undertaking partly because I trusted him, partly because he was highly convincing, and partly because I could not risk losing my one and only friend at the start of my freshman year.
In the beginning, third period drama in the sky-blue painted classroom at the end of “D” hall was a daily, terrifying ordeal for me. Theatre games, vocal warm-ups, and trust exercises with kids who seemed to crave attention. This desire to be noticed was utterly foreign to me, and for the first few weeks I suffered through as silently as possible. Eventually we were paired up and assigned our first scenes. I was to play the love-struck Norman in one of Neil Simon’s lessor known plays, The Star-Spangled Girl. I memorized and rehearsed with my partner, but as the time grew near for me to make my entrance onto the brightly lit, raised, wooden area at the far end of the room I began to feel panicky. I was sure that I would freeze up, pee my pants, or stutter my way into a frenetic seizure. The first thing that I remember – after the blinding glare of the floodlights hitting me – was the sound of laughter. It was laughter like I had never heard it. It was not laughter at me, or even with me. This was laughter – like a blaze of electricity – moving through me. As the scene progressed I began to realize that the waves of laughter were fueled by words; a steady stream of flowing dialogue that was coming from me. Without catch, or stop, or struggle, or stammer – I was speaking. For the first time in my life I was communicating without effort. Perhaps it was the shock of the circumstance that tripped a switch somewhere inside me, or the energizing fear of abject humiliation that pushed me finally through some psychological barricade. 
Whatever the case, it was in that moment that a gay bud began to blossom. I spent that next three years of my life in that sky blue room at the end of “D” hall with a tribe of talented, attention starved, misfits; drama freaks, or drama fags as we were referred to by some of the school’s more popular cliques. I have no doubt that I will spend the rest of my life trying to figure out exactly what it is that I am trying to say, but I will never forget exactly where I was when I began to master the ability to say it.
Whatever the case, it was in that moment that a gay bud began to blossom. I spent that next three years of my life in that sky blue room at the end of “D” hall with a tribe of talented, attention starved, misfits; drama freaks, or drama fags as we were referred to by some of the school’s more popular cliques. I have no doubt that I will spend the rest of my life trying to figure out exactly what it is that I am trying to say, but I will never forget exactly where I was when I began to master the ability to say it.Please follow and like us:
